Chat with an Angel

It's good to have a friend to chat with about life, the universe, and everything. I had a chat with an Angel this evening, Jaded Angel of Nobody's Angel. You might have your own take on some of the topics we rambled on about. Blessings. Thank you, my dear Angel!

Read the Chat

virginity, it's not just about a hymen anymore.

Tuesday, 2 October 2007
8:06 PM me: hello
jaded: hi
how're you feeling?
8:07 PM me: ok
a bit tired, as usual.
I just finished uploading the Sugasm #99 links. :)
jaded: gotta stop those late nights. tsk
8:08 PM ah yes. link tartage
me: yep
gotta keep up now.
especially, since I've sugasm about my sugasm links!
jaded: indeed
8:09 PM yup
trapped
me: 4,376
jaded: oiy
me: ;)
47 just now from #99
8:10 PM jaded: -shakes head-
8:11 PM me: If you find a new sexblogger, send it to me. Looking for an October newbie!
jaded: ahh
me: Gonna' have an SbW post for #100, and I'd like to do a newbie.
jaded: there's sexat29.blogspot.com not sure when he started though
i think that's his url
yup
8:13 PM me: Sex at 29, started in July. But, I'm adding him to my links :)
jaded: ok
me: see, you're a scout ...
8:14 PM jaded: yeah well that's the only one i know
brb
me: k
dits
brb
8:15 PM jaded: back
8:17 PM me: woo-hoo back too!
jaded: yay!
8:18 PM so your post was a little sad :(
me: yep.
but, it's been ruminating for a long time.
8:19 PM I figure on just spit out whatever
need to get it out
no matter the bad vibes
jaded: yes
8:20 PM ??
me: ?
jaded: bad vibes?
me: well, not happy posts
jaded: ah. i wouldn't worry about that
me: oh
8:21 PM jaded: no one's happy 100% of the time. if they are...medicated
8:22 PM me: yep, well, not feeling very positive, but it feels necessary to blog.
if Cain can do it ...
8:23 PM jaded: understandable
it's your blog. you have the freedom to say whatever you want/need
me: the heck with the popularity.
never started it for the popularity.
8:24 PM jaded: exactly
me: I'll still pop off the odd bit erotica here and there.
bit of
8:25 PM jaded: oh i don't doubt that
me: are you going to have a go?
jaded: if i can come up with something
8:26 PM me: I know you can! Just let your fingers wander a bit!
jaded: yeah
8:27 PM me: yeah!
8:28 PM jaded: well like i said...i see what i can come up with
me: yep
jaded: -i'll see-
me: me too
8:29 PM I just feel blah
jaded: yeah
8:30 PM me: It's just not going to happen, and I should stop fretting about it not happening.
jaded: why do you say that?
8:31 PM me: Because, it hasn't.
And, it's like, what says it should be.
8:32 PM or has to be.
I'm just being selfish. I should be happy with all the blessings I do have.
Why fret over what I don't have.
8:33 PM jaded: it's not selfish to want to find someone to be with, Nawty.
but fretting...yeah that blows.
8:34 PM if only it were easier.
me: Hey, I'm doing my best to wallow in my funk! ;)
jaded: ok
wallow away. you deserve it
8:35 PM me: Oh thanks!
8:36 PM Nobody really teaches you about life. Really teaches you.
jaded: no handbook to help you out. nothing but trial and error. pfft.
me: So, you're totally eff-ed if you play nice, don't rock the boat, coloring inside the lines, never rebel, do your best to fit in.
8:37 PM Because, then, you avoid all the hard knocks that teach everybody else about life.
jaded: yeah
me: Respect women.
8:38 PM All my life, I listen.
Don't hit on. Don't make a pass. Be nice.
Gets you zip.
8:39 PM All my life, I hear women, says, ugh, men!
jaded: oh i understand
me: I hate when men try to pick me up, etc.
So, I avoid anything that has the appearance of.
I keep my interest secret.
Never let on.
8:40 PM Listen. Does she have a boyfriend?
Hmmm, can't tell. But, even so, there's no reason she would be interested in me.
8:42 PM jaded: sigh. hugs.
me: She goes all crazy over Brad Pitt, or Leornado DeCaprio. I'm none of those.
I'm not a guy.
8:43 PM Because, I could care less about football, baseball, basketball, golf
jaded: uhm...who is aside from Brad Pitt or Leo DeCaprio?
me: or, cars, racing,
or drinking
or dancing
8:44 PM jaded: wish i knew what to tell you. my dad wasn't into those things. well...target shooting and he did wind up enjoying dancing.
8:45 PM me: well, it's pretty ironic, when you browse the dating sites, and you see all these women are totally athletic or sports minded.
it's like darn.
8:46 PM jaded: hahaha...i'm pretty sure it's all bullshit
me: dits
jaded: women say what men want to hear. and that's vice versa too.
8:47 PM it's part of the game. i just don't get the game. never quite grasped the rules. same as you and so we flounder in our water wings while everyone else jumps off the high diving board in fancy flips
me: yep. so true.
8:48 PM virginity, it's not just about a hymen anymore.
jaded: nope. it's a state of mind.
8:49 PM me: damn, pick-up artist too.
I mean, why does it have to be a game.
jaded: -shrugs-
i have no idea
me: If it was a sin of omission, where did I sin?
jaded: it's just the way it's always been
8:51 PM i don't think it's a sin of omission
it's just...i don't know.
confusing
8:52 PM me: ah, well, I'm being facetiously rhetorical.
8:53 PM I remember way back in high school, one of my teachers told me outside of the classroom one day with real concern on his face, Nawty you've got to live.
8:54 PM I have remembered that (obviously), and thought, I so want to throttle him, because he never explained or said anymore about what he meant than just those few words!
AAAAAAGGGGHHHH!
8:55 PM What didn't he explain to me then what he meant by that? Why didn't I ask him?
I'm still so perplexed on what he meant!
8:56 PM What did I need to differently then, that he saw then?
AAAAGGHHHH!
I could just strangle him!
jaded: hey at least someone told you that though without explaining the how or whys of it.
8:57 PM i think it means...you have to take risks sometimes.
figure out what's important and then take a chance.
says the girl who doesn't.
at least not on the important things but then if they're really important...wouldn't i be willing to?
8:58 PM so...i dunno.
me: You've been making great strides in taking risks!
8:59 PM jaded: only in small ones though.
nothing, well, big
me: Oh, come on, don't minimize them.
jaded: a trip to vancouver? easy. putting the heart on the line? not so easy.
i'm not. i'm just saying i take the easy risks.
me: exactly, you've laid your heart on the line.
9:00 PM jaded: no i didn't.
9:01 PM me: Well, when Mr. L said that to me, I was no better off. Just years later, I had this big nagging memory of WTF?
jaded: maybe it's stepping beyond the comfort zone? i don't know what he mean by "having to live" either.
me: No changes or effect was made.
9:02 PM jaded: that would be a good post you know
me: I did what was expected of me. So, what was he expecting of me?
I'm think much of this chat is post fodder, if you don't mind.
jaded: perhaps to do the unexpected?
9:03 PM no problem
me: I would only do such a thing, if I need to do it. I never had the need.
9:04 PM jaded: how do you know because you always did what was expected of you?
me: How do I know what?
jaded: that you did the unexpected.
9:05 PM i've done few unexpected things in my life.
i never expected i'd tell the biological "no more contact" because i don't like being cruel to people and that was cruel. but the alternative was for me to continue to be upset/hurt by the contact and, sigh, i couldn't take that anymore.
9:06 PM i never expected i'd hop on a plane to go south for sure. no one else saw that coming either.
9:07 PM but for the most part i followed the unspoken rules: be good, be nice, behave and be...screwed for the rest of my life
me: well, it isn't so much expected, as required. Rather than unexpected and its requisite surprise factor.
9:08 PM jaded: i suppose
9:09 PM me: It's, of course, not as simple, expected vs unexpected, or even required or and not required of.
People have many expectations that I haven't lived up to.
jaded: no. true
9:10 PM me: How many times have I been asked (mostly at Church), why aren't I married?
9:11 PM jaded: sigh. i hate that question.
me: brb
jaded: it's one of those cruel to be kind. and there's no response for it.
ok
9:12 PM me: back
exactly.
and, I never knew to be hurt by that question ...
jaded: yay
9:13 PM maybe we should start answering: "I have no friggin' clue. Do you know someone?"
me: until, I went to our church conference, and at hearing meeting on singles issues, a young woman speaks about the very same thing, and how it hurt.
9:14 PM then, it was like, aha, yes, it is hurtful.
jaded: yes it is.
9:15 PM me: Oh, my current thoughts on a come back would be, "I am much too defective to impose myself on someone else. It would be selfish and inconsiderate."
9:16 PM jaded: no not true.
not defective. just, hm, maladjusted. :)
me: ah, ok
9:17 PM yeah, it's like, I know I am faulty. It would be like me selling a product with known defects.
jaded: there is, i think, no comeback to that stupid question
me: I could get sued.
9:18 PM Oh, maybe, why aren't you single?
jaded: ha!
it was like that date i was on "how can you be single?"
me: Oh, oh, oh
I know!
jaded: bah. screw that "how can -you- be single? because you say that?"
9:19 PM me: Why, because I am such a temptation for you? You'll just have to control yourself more.
9:20 PM jaded: yes. so much so i never heard from him again.
9:21 PM me: eh, I was responding to the prior question, not your "how can you be single?"
jaded: ahhhh. okay
9:22 PM me: "how can you be single?" "I wear 'em out too quickly."
jaded: hahaha
me: ~
jaded: ?
me: :)
9:24 PM It was an "aha" moment for me to hear someone else's reaction to the question, "why aren't you married?".
9:25 PM And, oh, what I think is special about that question, is not just the question.
jaded: yep.
me: It's the person (people) and the setting where it's usually asked.
jaded: but the unspoken implication something's fundamentally wrong with you because you are single?
me: yeah, that too.
jaded: oh i bet
9:27 PM me: It's after church and in the foyer by either a middle-aged long-time married woman, or senior aged woman (widowed of) a long time marriage.
9:28 PM And, because, it's "casual" talk, and a nice, long-time church friend, I don't feel like it's appropriate to really say how I feel.
9:29 PM jaded: why not?
no one would expect that!! ;)
me: Like, well gee, I've what single women are in this congregation are even interested in marrying me? Tell Me! I'd like to know!
strike "I've".
9:30 PM jaded: yeah. sigh. i don't know.
me: first, there's only like zero to none, in the first place.
9:31 PM Seriously.
9:32 PM Single women that is.
jaded: dang.
me: so, yeah.
9:34 PM If I hadn't been stuck thinking that I'd find someone or "something" would happen with someone in the church, maybe I would've been more open to someone outside of it.
but, for so long, I was expecting that.
jaded: i guess now you change your game plan.
to what i have no idea.
9:35 PM me: then, when it does not happen, *smack*, no, wrong, she's underage and immature.
jaded: because one thing i'm learning...it's never too late.
to change the game plan.
9:36 PM maybe underage and immature was needed at the time.
me: well it sucks too.
9:37 PM jaded: yeah it does
me: because, there was the passion too.
jaded: yes
9:38 PM me: oh, how to say this.
I just have never felt, or expect to feel someone giving them self so passionately to me ever again.
9:39 PM because, she was immature, she didn't restrain herself.
9:40 PM jaded: i wouldn't say that was a mark of her immaturity.
me: And, really, she had an intuitive understanding (or maybe because she was unrestrained), she tapped into me.
she was wanting me and willing to take a step forward and ask for what she wanted.
9:41 PM And, I need someone to ask me.
I won't do something to a woman that she doesn't tell me she wants.
9:42 PM I can't try something that I don't explicitly know is something she wants.
jaded: makes perfect sense
9:43 PM me: I mean, OMG!, she made all the first moves, and they were hot moves.
jaded: and i think once you gained more confidence that way, the less you'll need to be told and the more you'll just know.
ahhhh
me: Once, I knew she wanted that. I could initiate it at other times.
jaded: hm...
exactly
9:44 PM me: ~ Of course, due to her age, it was even more necessary.
9:45 PM But, still, I am still "nice".
And, to me, "even" a kiss, is a BIG deal.
no matter blaise everybody else is about it.
9:46 PM blase .. sp.
?
jaded: understood.
spelling? phenh.
9:47 PM me: and, oh my, that first kiss was searing and electric.
jaded: good
9:48 PM me: and, frigging annoying, that come to think of it, there was months of build up.
what woman is going to be patient enough to wait for sparks to fly at 7th or 8th date?
9:49 PM 3 strikes and you're out!
not even
jaded: i have no idea, m'dear, but i guess it comes down to that stupid trial and error
9:50 PM me: well, then, what pops up in my head to that is, how can be play games with people's lives, while I'm playing trial and error?
How can I be ...
9:51 PM How can I play ...
jaded: i have no idea
not a one
me: It's just seems irresponsible.
jaded: i think that's part of the problem
me: brb
9:52 PM jaded: k
almost everyone went through their trial & error phase when they -were- irresponsible
9:55 PM me: back
jaded: whoot
me: yep, exactly!
jaded: had to type the above thought before i lost it
9:56 PM me: I've been the responsible, and non-rebellious type, even when I was a teen.
9:57 PM ~ thanks for the thought typing.
jaded: and maybe that's what your teacher meant
hey no probs.
it's okay to be a little rebellious, y'know.
a little irresponsible.
9:58 PM even in your 40s.
you will not cause an irreparable harm to anyone.
me: (well, darn, I've been a lot of irresponsible, unfortunately, it's not good.)
9:59 PM jaded: hm. well. be good irresponsible. ;)
me: yeah, right.
just not my nature.
and you know what they say, be yourself.
10:00 PM except, of course, when being yourself doesn't get you what you want.
jaded: well nuts
me: then, when you're not being yourself, aren't really also being yourself, because who else would you be?
10:01 PM jaded: James Bond?
Swagger in with a "well hello miss moneypenny."
but seriously...i wish i knew what to tell you. i really really do.
10:02 PM me: well, really, can it really be simple, of saying ... ... ..., and ... ... ..., and ... ... ...
10:03 PM and then me saying, oh yeah, that solves it.
jaded: oh well why didn't you say so?
"... ... ..., and ... ... ..., and ... ... ..."
me: yes, you are so right!
10:04 PM jaded: hahahaha
excellent! problem solved
me: yep.
10:05 PM jaded: easy peasy
me: ain't it though.
jaded: wow. i just had a mild aneurism.
me: oh my!
what?
10:06 PM jaded: went to check stats for n.a. saw a kansas isp.
me: oh?
and?
jaded: not the same one so n.a. is still ok
me: stat tart!
10:07 PM you just got to let those IPs and cities go.
jaded: yup
i know.
phenh.
10:08 PM one day
me: yes.
10:09 PM actually, there are things that would fit ... and ...
jaded: oh? like?
me: attitude and heart
I was noticing an article I came across the day before.
10:10 PM jaded: oh?
10:12 PM me: http://thinkorthwim.com/2007/09/24/how-to-be-happy/
haven't checked the video
(was looking it up)
10:13 PM jaded: ok
will read later
me: yep
10:15 PM it's kind of like, I've been hitting the dark feelings pretty hard lately, and maybe ready to say eff it, it's just what it is, make the best of it and go on.
10:16 PM jaded: a purge never hurts anyone
i should know. i purge quite a bit
me: yeah, true, well I hope it doesn't hurt.
10:17 PM jaded: well...it stings but only the purgee
me: I still wish I could cry.
jaded: purger?
10:18 PM me: as bad as I've been feeling, I still haven't.
lately
jaded: if -you- can't...maybe your words will
me: maybe that's the need for the blogging ~ ~ dits
10:19 PM I can feel just a tinge right now.
sigh. ;)
10:20 PM you know, that little ache in the throat.
jaded: maybe you need to rage more than you need to cry
yes. i know it well.
me: probably true.
10:21 PM jaded: and it's okay to rage. very cleansing
10:22 PM me: again, not normally my nature though.
jaded: so?
10:23 PM how do you know if you haven't raged?
me: well, I either keep it to myself or from myself.
10:24 PM jaded: ah give it a crack
10:25 PM me: ha, I'm sure I've raged, on the blog even.
10:26 PM just gotta express myself.
jaded: exactly.
10:28 PM me: oh my, no! can't do that!
jaded: and i have to express myself by saying sadly, i should go to bed.
me: ha, was thinking, I should send you to bed, so I can wrap this up and post it. :)
10:29 PM jaded: hahaha. well there ya go
me: so, sleep well, my dear.
jaded: wow. so much anm activity!!
me: I know, and SbW been getting some too!
and commenting too
10:30 PM what is the world coming too!
jaded: gasp!
i have no idea
you get some rest too
me: well, we'll just have to see.
10:31 PM I'll shall.
... I shall.
sweet nawty dreams
jaded: you too
me: take care
10:32 PM good night
jaded: you take care too
night